So Ive had a lot on my mind lately, this may be a super long post but I thought I need to just get it all out, I’m not one for being public about my life or feelings but I think suicide awareness is super important and what follows after. Feel free to scroll past this post it won’t be everyones cup of tea, its just my own words and thoughts on dealing with loosing a loved one through suicide.
I didn’t create this page to be about me, nor do I want sympathy, it’s not meant to be about me or really how I feel. Its about being aware that this happens so often, my brother was so lost, sad, lonely that he thought this was his only way out, be sorry for him, be sorry for them. I don’t even want to imagine the pain it takes to feel that way but to know a loved one felt that much pain is horrible.
Im not sure yet still how I feel about the whole process. I don’t feel angry like everyone else did, I cant be angry, I refuse to be angry at him. I feel lost, I barely have a moment to comprehend being sad cos I don’t want to let it in, it would probably all be easier if I just did cry and feel like I was drowning in my own tears but I just cant, I don’t think it means I’m not grieving I’m just not ready to feel, not feeling SUX!! How do you experience life when you cant feel? I don’t have all the answer to my crazy questions I do know that I’m ok just very confused I can see the logic answers but you cant make yourself feel what you know you need to. I wonder if he knew how painful all this would be for us, did he think about it? Obviously I’m not the only one hurting.
So many questions that cant be answered! I wonder if I would feel different had his death come differently, if he wasn’t the one that controlled it. Would it be easier to know there was no choice, that it just had to be.
I would like to think of him without thinking of the way in which he died, his death seems to define him at the moment, he was my brother not just my brother that took his own life so why cant I think of you? For every slight sad song I hear I think of you, I would have given anything to hold you tight and tell you I’m here and you’re OK.
Its hard to run in your name, I know how proud you were of me but sometimes wonder if you would be asking why I would do this for you when I wasn’t there to save you through your struggles.
I know its not my fault, but these are the stupid thoughts that you just cant control the stupid ones like others that often lurk around while trying to process the fact that yes you did actually do it, yes you are gone, and we cant have you back. Maybe if I ignore it long enough ill never have to deal with it, or maybe you will haunt me forever.
I want to run for my brother, I want to run to raise awareness I want to do something tough and amazing to honour him and allow others to know it happens all too often, but it’s so hard to be motivated when its hard to think of the reason I’m doing this, I wish this wasn’t the reason. I don’t have solutions but awareness and even just being able to help support other families going through the same pain is worth something and If I can raise money in the process that would be great as well.
I never loved running I loved the feeling it gave me afterwards, I loved the sense of achievement and feeling free, running is always hard its never easy but I did conquer the mental side of it, I was able to push myself but since he passed I struggle to get 100metres I struggle to make myself move forward, it doesn’t mean I don’t go, it just means it takes a lot of energy and emotion to get myself there I find it hard to focus and often think of him and my thoughts wander in circles its hard when you’re trying to be strong mentally. A new challenge ill have to face I guess and maybe it will break me down enough to let you in and allow me to feel again.
I am OK, I am not crazy I am just trying to understand my feelings and my brothers (although I probably never will) I am sad and I am happy and I’m nothing in between, things will settle in time I know they will.
Everyone feels differently there is no right or wrong way, feelings are just feelings.
I have not yet created an event because of the weakness I feel in pushing forward, I’m still aiming for where I need to be and I know it will happen I may just need to heal myself slightly first.